Breaking: Burglary Officially Renamed “Undocumented Borrowing” by DNC
Candace Owens Attempts to Exorcise Her Own Shadow, Cites “Suspicious Behavior”
New Study Finds Jasmine Crockett 47% Less Sentient Than Actual Bag of Hammers
SCHUMER FLIPS SWITCH: “Kids Can Stop Licking Campaign Signs for Sustenance—We Got the Votes!”
New Virginia AG Jones Therapy Session Leaked: “I said KIDS, not KITTENS—big difference!”
Sean Combs Seen Punching the Air After Learning Documentary Will Not Be Titled “Puff Daddy: Philanthropist & Hug Enthusiast”
Billie Eilish Tearfully Confesses: “Some Nights I Only Count $49.9 Million Before Bed”
Kim Kardashian Launches Faux Unibrow Line: “It’s Like Confidence, But Hairier”
MSNBC Rebrands to WHO Gives a Shit, Hires Screaming Roomba as Lead Anchor
Travis Kelce Spotted Wearing Full Christmas Sweater + Vest Combo at the Beach
Breaking: Campbell’s VP Martin Bally Forced to Eat Entire Can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup on Live TV as Apology
Bank Ad: “Why Pay $3 for Avocado When You Can Pay $30,000 Over 300 Months?”
Wall Street Analysts Predict S&P 500 Will Hit “Somewhere Between Zero and Infinity”
Crypto Bro Discovers 50x Leverage Means “Lose Everything 50 Times Faster,” Sells Keyboard for Food
Vegas Vacancy Crisis After Boomers Learn Vegas Runs on Solar, Not ‘Good Ol’ Coal’
Snake Expert: “Sam Altman’s Not Gaslighting – He’s Actually Cold-Blooded”
Future Is Here! New Startup Launches $500/M Subscription to Let a Stranger Dressed Up as a Robot in Your House
AWS Outage Reveals 90% of Internet Was Just One Overworked Server Named “Gary” in a Virginia Basement
Tech Bro Posts “Game-Changer!” About OpenAI Model That Just Fired Him and DM’d His Girlfriend
Man’s Tesla FSD Swerves Into Cornfield, Builds Maze Shaped Like Elon’s Face
IOC Shocks World: Declares Gravity Will Apply to All Athletes
MIRACLE IN MUSKOGEE: Ultrasound Reveals Fetus 100% Stefon Diggs-Free
Brady Clones Dog as Dry Run, Quietly Files “TB12 2048” Trademark
Sources: NBA Players Only Gambled Because They Couldn’t Afford Their Third Yacht’s Wi-Fi Bill
After $8B Deal, UFC Boosts Win Bonus by $1: Dana White Says, “Don’t Say I Never Gave You Nothin’”
