E! News Moves to TikTok, Sole Viewer Asks: ‘Where’s the Remote for This App?’

In a seismic shift that has rocked the very foundations of celebrity gossip, E! News, the 34-year titan of red carpet razzle-dazzle, has been unceremoniously yanked from television, set to air its final episode on September 25, 2025. The announcement, unveiled on July 24, 2025, has sent shockwaves through Hollywood—and one lone viewer’s living room in Poughkeepsie, New York, where 87-year-old retiree Mildred Jenkins is reportedly “flummoxed” by the network’s pivot to TikTok. “Where’s the remote for this app?” Jenkins demanded, shaking her trusty Zenith TV clicker at a rotary phone she mistook for a smartphone.

As The Critical Chronicle’s trendsetting tech correspondent, I, Rachel Dunn, am here to declare this moment nothing short of a cultural apocalypse—or, dare I say, a digital renaissance for the glitterati-obsessed. E! News, once the North Star for Kardashian meltdowns and Oscar gown breakdowns, is abandoning its 11 p.m. slot to chase the elusive Gen Z eyeball on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, where its 87 million followers await bite-sized clips of celebrity dog-walking scandals. This bold leap, spurred by NBCUniversal’s corporate split into the shiny new Versant empire, signals the death knell for traditional TV—or so say the executives sipping oat milk lattes in boardrooms adorned with NFT art.

But let’s zoom in on Mildred, our sole surviving viewer, who gained attention this week for her heartfelt plea to E! News hosts Keltie Knight and Justin Sylvester: “I just want to know if Brad Pitt’s still single, not how to download this Tikky-Tok nonsense!” Sources close to Mildred (her cat, Mr. Whiskers) confirm she spent three hours poking her TV screen, hoping to “scroll” to Ryan Seacrest’s old episodes. Her confusion is emblematic of a broader crisis: E!’s five remaining TV fans, all over 80, reportedly believe TikTok is a new brand of microwave popcorn.

This digital migration, cloaked in the glittering guise of innovation, is poised to redefine celebrity journalism. Picture it: 15-second TikToks of Zendaya’s Met Gala dress, captioned with dancing eggplant emojis, or Instagram Lives dissecting Timothée Chalamet’s latest man-bun. Yet, as E! News trades cathode rays for algorithms, Mildred’s plight unveils a stark truth: not everyone’s ready for the future. “I called the cable company to order TikTok,” she sobbed, “and they sent me a pamphlet on fiber optics!”

As Versant’s CEO promises a “dynamic, multi-platform experience,” The Critical Chronicle predicts E! News will dominate the digital sphere—unless Mildred organizes her book club into a VHS-wielding resistance. For now, Hollywood’s elite must brace for a world where their scandals are reduced to hashtags and their gowns judged by swipe-ups. Rachel Dunn, signing off with a flourish, declares this the dawn of a new era: one where glamour meets glitch, and Mildred Jenkins searches in vain for TikTok’s “channel button.”