Another Quarter of No Rate Change as Jerome Powell Says ‘Trump Is Still President’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a dazzling display of fiscal defiance that’s got Wall Street clutching its pearls and Main Street reaching for the smelling salts, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has once again frozen interest rates at a nosebleed-inducing 6%, declaring with the gravitas of a Shakespearean villain, “Trump is still president.” The announcement, delivered at Wednesday’s Federal Open Market Committee meeting, sent shockwaves through the financial world, leaving economists, investors, and TikTok finance influencers in a collective meltdown.

Powell, sporting a pinstripe suit so sharp it could cut inflation itself, leaned into the microphone with a glint in his eye that screamed, I’m the drama. “Until the MAGA hat is retired and the Mar-a-Lago tanning bed is unplugged, these rates aren’t budging,” he proclaimed, as if unveiling the season’s hottest accessory: economic stagnation. The room gasped, pencils snapped, and somewhere, a hedge fund manager impulse-bought a yacht to cope.

This isn’t just monetary policy—it’s a spectacle, darling, a high-stakes chess game where Powell’s knight is a vendetta and Trump’s king is, apparently, eternal. Sources close to the Fed whisper that Powell’s office now boasts a vision board plastered with rate-hike charts and a single, glossy photo of Trump’s comb-over, captioned, “Not today.” The Critical Chronicle has learned that Powell’s team has developed a proprietary algorithm, dubbed “MAGA-Meter,” which adjusts rates based on the decibel level of Trump’s late-night Truth Social rants. Spoiler: It’s screaming “hold” louder than a reality TV reunion.

The ripple effects are as chic as they are chaotic. In New York, fashion-forward millennials are trading avocado toast for “Powell Protest” T-shirts, emblazoned with slogans like “Cut Rates, Not Vibes.” Silicon Valley tech bros, meanwhile, are coding apps to predict when Trump might swap his red tie for a resignation letter, hoping to game Powell’s next move. “It’s disruptive innovation,” gushed one startup CEO, sipping a $12 oat milk latte. “Powell’s basically the Kanye of economics—unpredictable, iconic, and maybe a little unhinged.”

But let’s talk real talk: Powell’s rate freeze is serving looks and losses. Small businesses are begging for relief, while crypto influencers are screaming “HODL” through tears. And yet, Powell remains unshaken, reportedly spotted at a D.C. rooftop bar sipping a martini and muttering, “No cuts until Trump stops calling me ‘Low-Energy Jerry.’” The audacity? Award-worthy.

As the nation braces for another quarter of economic limbo, Rachel Dunn is here to declare this the trend of 2025: fiscal pettiness as performance art. Powell’s not just chairing the Fed; he’s directing a blockbuster where Trump’s presidency is the villain, and we’re all paying the ticket price. Will rates ever drop? Will Trump’s spray tan outlast us all? Stay tuned, because this saga is serving drama hotter than a Georgia summer.