Joey Swoll Says Sorry for Hulk Hogan Love, Promises to Consult Twitter Before Feeling Again

In a seismic cultural upheaval that has rocked the very foundations of social media, Atlanta-based fitness influencer Joey Swoll has unleashed a firestorm of biblical proportions with a single, ill-fated TikTok tribute to wrestling legend Hulk Hogan. The Critical Chronicle, your premier source for trendsetting absurdities, unveils the scandal that has Twitter clutching its collective pearls: Swoll dared to mourn a dead icon without first consulting the Internet’s High Council of Virtue. Buckle up, dear readers, for this is the spectacle of the season.

On July 24, 2025, following Hogan’s passing, Swoll, a chiseled beacon of gym-bro positivity, posted a video of himself donning a Hulk Hogan bandana, flexing in nostalgic reverence. The post, intended as a heartfelt nod to the wrestling titan’s larger-than-life legacy, instead ignited a Twitter tempest. “How dare he?” cried the digital arbiters of morality, their keyboards ablaze with righteous indignation. Hogan’s 2015 racism scandal, they declared, rendered any tribute a crime against humanity. Swoll, blindsided by this unwritten edict, was swiftly “educated” by his followers, a term that now apparently means “publicly flogged by strangers online.”

In a move that has trendsetters buzzing, Swoll took to a livestream, his face a portrait of gym-hardened remorse, to issue a groveling apology. “I’ve learned all the horrible things that man has done,” he intoned, vowing to never again feel a human emotion without Twitter’s explicit approval. Sources close to The Critical Chronicle confirm Swoll has hired a team of “Woke Auditors” to pre-screen all future posts, ensuring no deceased icon’s legacy escapes their moral microscope. “This is the future of influencer accountability,” gushes a Silicon Valley analyst, adjusting her rose-gold smartwatch. “Emotions are out; Twitter’s rulebook is in.”

The fallout has sparked a cultural renaissance, with influencers nationwide unveiling “Pre-Post Twitter Tribunals” to vet their feelings for problematic undertones. Fashion blogs are already touting Swoll’s apology as the must-have aesthetic of 2025: “Contrite Chic,” a blend of tearful sincerity and algorithmic submission. “It’s bold, it’s vulnerable, it’s the ultimate power move,” writes Vogue’s AI editor. Meanwhile, Twitter’s self-appointed ethicists are basking in their victory, with one user proclaiming, “We’ve saved society from a Hulk Hogan tribute. Our work here is done.”

But the saga doesn’t end there. In a dramatic twist, Swoll’s apology itself drew ire for his use of the term “colored,” prompting a second, even more theatrical mea culpa. “He’s innovating the apology genre,” marvels a cultural critic, sipping oat milk latte. “It’s performance art for the outrage age.” As Atlanta’s trendsetters flock to emulate Swoll’s penitence, The Critical Chronicle predicts a new wave of social media seminars: “How to Mourn Without Offending: A 12-Step Twitter Cleanse.”

Joey Swoll’s Hulk Hogan blunder has cemented his status as both victim and visionary in this brave new world of digital dogma. As he promises to “consult Twitter before feeling again,” one thing is clear: the Internet’s moral overlords have spoken, and no tribute, no matter how heartfelt, will escape their watchful gaze. Stay tuned, dear readers, for the next chapter in this glittering, absurd spectacle.