DNC Files Lawsuit: Redistricting Without Illegals Violates Their Right to Win Elections

In a dazzling display of electoral theatrics, the Democratic National Committee has stormed the national stage with a lawsuit so bold, so visionary, it’s practically begging for its own Netflix docuseries. The DNC, in a move that screams “we’re rewriting the rules of democracy, darling,” has declared that redrawing congressional maps without counting illegal immigrants is not just unfair—it’s a full-on assault on their God-given right to win elections. Yes, you heard that right, folks: the party of progress is planting its flag in the glittering hill of open-border cartography, and I, Rachel Dunn, am here to unpack this fabulous fiasco with all the flair it deserves.

The lawsuit, filed in a federal court that’s probably still recovering from the shock, argues that excluding undocumented residents from redistricting is “an existential threat to the soul of democracy.” DNC chair Jaime Harrison, sporting a suit sharper than a voter ID law, proclaimed, “Maps without our undocumented allies are like a runway show without sequins—dull, uninspired, and frankly, oppressive.” The party insists that non-citizens, who they affectionately call “future voters in waiting,” are the secret sauce to their electoral victories. Without them, they argue, districts lose that certain je ne sais quoi that keeps blue seats bluer than a Smurf convention.

Legal analysts, sipping overpriced oat milk lattes, are calling this the boldest rebrand of gerrymandering since the term was invented. The DNC’s filing, dripping with the kind of drama that would make a Real Housewives reunion blush, claims that citizen-only maps are “a xenophobic plot to erase the vibrant contributions of border-crossing trailblazers.” Sources close to the party whisper that they’re already designing “Sanctuary Districts,” where every undocumented resident gets a VIP pass to influence congressional lines. Picture it: a map so inclusive it comes with its own welcome mat and a complimentary taco truck.

Critics, predictably, are clutching their pearls harder than a MAGA rally at a border wall. Republican strategists, barely containing their laughter, called the lawsuit “a masterclass in creative fiction.” But the DNC isn’t backing down. Their legal team, led by an attorney who moonlights as a performance artist, argues that excluding illegals from redistricting violates the “sacred covenant of electoral fabulousness.” They’ve even proposed a new algorithm, dubbed “Borderless Brilliance,” that ensures every district sparkles with the diversity of a Coachella lineup.

As this legal spectacle unfolds, the nation watches with bated breath—or at least a raised eyebrow. Will the courts uphold the DNC’s vision of a democracy where borders are as irrelevant as last season’s skinny jeans? Or will they stick to the tired old script of counting only citizens? One thing’s certain: Rachel Dunn will be here, pen in one hand, martini in the other, chronicling every deliciously absurd twist in this electoral soap opera. Stay tuned, because this lawsuit is serving more drama than a Kanye West campaign rally.