Breaking: Burglary Officially Renamed “Undocumented Borrowing” by DNC

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Darling, clear your calendars and lock your emotional support safes, because the Democratic National Committee just dropped the most audacious rebrand since “global warming” became “climate change” and then “climate emergency” and then “that thing that makes Beyoncé sweat on stage.”

In a midnight vote that lit up group chats from Dupont Circle to Martha’s Vineyard, the DNC has officially retired the tired, colonial, frankly problematic term “burglary” and replaced it with the empowering, borderless, fashion-forward phrase “Undocumented Borrowing.”

Sources inside the room (who spoke on condition of anonymity because their AirPods were still charging) say the decision came after a three-hour listening session titled “Is Ownership Even Serving Us Right Now?” chaired by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wearing what can only be described as Balenciaga meets Bolshevik.“

The word ‘burglary’ centers the trauma of the homeowner,” AOC explained while sipping an oat-milk cortado the size of a legislative filibuster. “We’re simply decolonizing the lexicon. Borrowing is caring. The ‘undocumented’ part just means the paperwork is still in committee.”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre confirmed the shift at Thursday’s briefing, casually adjusting a diamond tennis bracelet that definitely wasn’t there yesterday. “Look, if a stranger enters your home at 3 a.m. and leaves with your PlayStation 6, your grandmother’s heirloom pearls, and that leftover Popeyes in the fridge, that’s not theft. That’s an unscheduled wealth audit with a side of spicy.”

Early adopters are already living the vibe. In San Francisco, where the trend always lands first, residents report waking up to find their Ring doorbells politely disabled and handwritten thank-you notes that read, “Appreciate the undocumented borrow of your MacBook Pro and your entire sneaker wall. Will circle back when Mercury is out of retrograde. – xoxo A Neighbor.”

Silicon Valley is, naturally, three steps ahead. Start-up founders have launched “BorrowBnB,” an app that matches “temporary resource guardians” with “over-housed asset custodians.” Seed round: $420 million. Lead investor: someone who definitely still has both of your AirPods cases.When reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer simply opened his wallet, watched three moths and a Ben Franklin fly out, and whispered, “I’ve been undocumented-borrowed so many times I qualify for DACA at this point.”

But the cultural momentum is undeniable. TikTok is flooded with “Undocumented Borrowing Haul” videos (GRWM while I redistribute my apartment complex edition). Vogue has already declared ski masks the accessory of 2026, ideally paired with a structured tote that screams “I’m just holding this Louis Vuitton for a friend who doesn’t technically exist.”

As your girl on the ground translating policy into high drama, I’m calling it now: “Undocumented Borrowing” is the quiet luxury of civil disobedience. It’s giving Robin Hood if Robin Hood had a Substack and a blue check.

So next time you hear that window creak at 2 a.m., don’t reach for the baseball bat, bestie. Strike a pose, smile for the Ring camera that’s probably already in the Uber, and whisper: “Take what you need, king. Representation matters.”

The future isn’t coming. It’s being borrowed without asking, and it’s never looked this chic.