Sean Combs Seen Punching the Air After Learning Documentary Will Not Be Titled “Puff Daddy: Philanthropist & Hug Enthusiast”

LOS ANGELES – In what multiple sources are describing as “the most aggressive shadow-boxing session since Rocky Balboa trained for the Cold War,” Sean “Diddy” Combs was reportedly observed Thursday delivering a 47-second flurry of jabs to empty space after learning that 50 Cent’s forthcoming Peacock documentary will not, in fact, be subtitled Puff Daddy: Philanthropist & Hug Enthusiast, the working title Mr. Combs allegedly submitted along with a 400-page PowerPoint deck and a gift basket containing 12 unopened bottles of baby oil “for ambiance.”

Eyewitnesses inside the Beverly Hills mansion say the music mogul reacted to the news with the calm, measured demeanor one typically reserves for discovering the last slice of pizza has been eaten by a houseguest who also used your toothbrush. One staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity because he still needs dental coverage, told this reporter, “He just stopped mid-sentence, looked at the ceiling like he was waiting for Jesus to personally descend with a revised title card, then started throwing hands at oxygen. It was like watching a TED Talk on rage.”

Insiders familiar with the ongoing negotiations claim Combs had been “quietly optimistic” that Curtis Jackson—known to the IRS as 50 Cent—could be persuaded to reframe the four-part exposé as an extended infomercial for hydration, self-care, and “the healing power of consensual cuddling.” A source close to the production leaked a rejected treatment that included a 22-minute montage of Combs handing out bottled water at charity events set to a slowed-down version of “I’ll Be Missing You.” The same source added, “There was even talk of a post-credits scene where Diddy rescues a basket of kittens from a burning Reebok factory in 1998. Curtis apparently laughed for nine straight minutes.”

In a statement that somehow managed to be both defiant and lubricated, Combs’ attorney released the following: “My client is deeply disappointed that this project has chosen to ignore his decades of ribbon-dancing outreach and instead focus on unverified allegations from individuals who clearly never received proper after-care.” When reached for clarification on what “proper after-care” entails, the attorney hung up and this reporter’s phone immediately began playing “Bad Boy for Life” at maximum volume, which I choose to interpret as an industry standard threat.

Meanwhile, 50 Cent celebrated the title dispute the way only 50 Cent can: by posting an Instagram video of himself counting to 1,000 using only bottles of baby oil as props while wearing a T-shirt that reads “Snitches & Streams.” Caption: “Episode 3 drops when the lube runs out.”

As of press time, Mr. Combs has reportedly retreated to an undisclosed walk-in closet lined entirely with vintage Versace silk shirts, where he is said to be “rehearsing his redemption arc” and stress-testing a new cologne ominously named Acquittal No. 5. Peacock executives, reached while boarding private jets to literally anywhere else, declined comment but were seen carrying noise-canceling headphones and what appeared to be a laminated copy of the First Amendment.