Harris’s Tell-All Hits Shelves: ‘I’m So Excited to Find Out What My Book Says!’

Washington, D.C. — In a bombshell development that has left political insiders reeling, Vice President Kamala Harris has reportedly expressed unbridled enthusiasm for her new ghostwritten tell-all, Cackles and Coconut Trees: A Journey Through the Passage of Time, which hit bookstores this week. Sources close to the Harris campaign confirm the VP has yet to read the 500-page tome, allegedly penned during her months-long hiatus from pesky reporter questions. “I’m so excited to find out what my book says!” Harris reportedly exclaimed at a campaign event, pausing to cackle at a nearby lamppost.

The Critical Chronicle’s exclusive investigation reveals that Harris, 60, outsourced the writing to a shadowy DNC intern known only as “Venn Diagram Vinny.” Sources allege Vinny crafted the book during Harris’s self-imposed press blackout, a period described by aides as “strategic nap time.” The resulting manuscript, a labyrinth of sentence fragments and bus-related tangents, has been hailed by critics as “a literary fever dream” and “the kind of book you’d use to prop up a wobbly table.”

Insiders report Harris was spotted at a D.C. bookstore, eagerly flipping through her own tell-all, muttering, “I hope it explains that coconut tree thing!” The book, which devotes 47 pages to a metaphor about yellow school buses, offers little clarity on her policy positions. One chapter, titled “Unburdened by What Has Been,” is simply a 12-page transcript of Harris giggling at a policy question about inflation. “It’s like she dictated it to a malfunctioning Roomba,” said a visibly shaken Penguin Random House editor, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Max Quill, your intrepid correspondent, uncovered a peculiar detail: the book’s foreword credits “the significance of the passage of time” as its co-author. “I didn’t know time could hold a pen,” quipped a Georgetown librarian, who shelved the book under “Abstract Nonsense” after failing to parse its contents. Campaign aides insist Harris plans to read the book “as soon as she finishes her Venn diagram coloring book,” a project that has reportedly consumed her campaign trail downtime.

In a twist that could only occur in Washington’s absurdistan, Harris’s team is marketing the tell-all as a “bold exploration of leadership,” despite its author admitting she’s “still figuring out what’s in it.” Bookstores report brisk sales to insomniacs and avant-garde poets, though one customer returned it, claiming it “gave my goldfish a migraine.” Meanwhile, Harris has scheduled a book tour to replace campaign town halls, where she’ll reportedly sign copies with a Sharpie and a cryptic “LOL.”

The Critical Chronicle’s investigation also uncovered a leaked memo from Harris’s ghostwriter, who described the process as “translating a TED Talk delivered by a malfunctioning Siri.” As Harris continues to dodge interviews—citing “urgent coconut tree research”—her tell-all stands as a monument to political absurdity. “I can’t wait to learn what I believe in!” Harris reportedly told aides, clutching the book like a tourist reading a map upside down.