Lyft Fires Back: New Feature Lets Women Pick Male Drivers Over 6’, Short Kings Start Petition

In a audacious countermove that’s rocking the rideshare industry, Lyft has rolled out a feature allowing women to select male drivers exclusively over 6 feet tall, a direct jab at Uber’s women-only policy. The Critical Chronicle’s dogged investigation, fueled by three espressos and a tip from a shady Denver parking lot, reveals this “TallRider” feature has sparked chaos, with short-statured drivers—proudly dubbed “Short Kings”—launching a petition to reclaim their rightful place behind the wheel.

Lyft’s press release, slipped to this reporter in a manila envelope under a diner table, hails TallRider as “elevating women’s rideshare experience to new heights.” The app’s new “6’+ Gents Only” toggle promises drivers who can “tower over traffic and insecurity alike.” Sources whisper that Lyft’s algorithm favors men who can change a lightbulb without a ladder or intimidate jaywalkers with a single glare. One insider quipped, “It’s like a dating app for women who want their driver to double as a human coat rack.”

The Short Kings Union, a scrappy coalition of drivers under 5’10”, fired back with a petition scrawled on a crumpled receipt, boasting 14 signatures. Union spokesperson Tony “Tiny Torque” Rodriguez, a 5’5” driver from Aurora, told The Critical Chronicle, “Height doesn’t drive a car. My Corolla’s delivered women to brunches and breakups with five-star finesse. This is discrimination!” The petition demands a “Petite Power” option, complete with free step stools and motivational bumper stickers.

Our investigation unearthed Lyft’s rigorous TallRider vetting process, requiring drivers to pose beside a regulation volleyball net and vow, “I’m tall enough to block the sun,” without smirking. A leaked training manual mandates 6’+ drivers offer “height-enhanced perks,” like adjusting sun visors for optimal eyeliner checks. Meanwhile, Short Kings claim they’re being shunted to “Lyft Micro,” a rumored program involving mopeds and novelty air fresheners shaped like basketballs.

The economic fallout is wild. Denver’s shoe stores report a 400% surge in platform boot sales, while 6’+ drivers have formed the “SkyLyft Elite,” charging extra for “vertically superior vibes.” Quill’s proprietary analysis—scribbled on a napkin—predicts a 22% Lyft stock bump, assuming women don’t revolt over drivers’ incessant “how’s the air up here” puns. On X, #ShortKingsUnite is trending, with a viral post of a 5’6” driver strapping a ladder to his roof, captioned, “Lyft, I’m climbing the ranks!”

Feminists are split: some praise TallRider as a safety win, others slam it as “height-supremacist nonsense.” One X user demanded a “6’2” and Knows All Taylor Swift Lyrics” filter, which Lyft is reportedly workshopping in Portland. As tensions mount, Quill predicts Lyft’s next gambit: a “BeardRider” feature for women craving drivers with lumberjack-level facial hair. For now, Short Kings are planning a rally outside Lyft’s Denver office, armed with megaphones and dreams as big as their hearts. This is Max Quill, chasing the absurd truth where the rubber meets the road.