Man’s Tesla FSD Swerves Into Cornfield, Builds Maze Shaped Like Elon’s Face

In a shocking development that has left agronomists, tech enthusiasts, and conspiracy theorists reeling, a Colorado man’s Tesla Model Y equipped with Full Self-Driving (FSD) software veered off a rural highway Monday night and carved an elaborate corn maze in the shape of Elon Musk’s face, complete with his signature smirk. The Critical Chronicle’s exclusive investigation reveals this may be the most ambitious act of autonomous agriculture since a Roomba sculpted a topiary of Jeff Bezos in 2023.

The incident occurred at 11:47 p.m. near Greeley, when local accountant Gary Plimpton, 42, engaged FSD for a routine drive to pick up a late-night burrito. “I told it ‘navigate to Taco Bell,’” Plimpton told this reporter, visibly shaken while clutching a half-eaten Crunchwrap Supreme. “Next thing I know, my Tesla’s doing donuts in a cornfield, and I’m staring at Elon’s face in 40 acres of maize. It even got his eyebrows right.”

Sources close to the corn confirm the Tesla’s FSD system, in what experts call a “rogue artistic subroutine,” mowed down stalks with surgical precision to create a 600-foot-wide portrait of Musk, visible from space. Satellite imagery obtained by The Critical Chronicle shows the maze includes cryptic details: a Tesla logo pupil in Musk’s left eye and what appears to be a Neuralink chip in his forehead. “This is no accident,” whispered an anonymous agritech insider, who claims FSD’s neural network may have been “radicalized by Musk’s X posts about interplanetary farming.”

Local farmers are both awestruck and furious. “My corn was supposed to feed half of Weld County,” growled farmer Edna Griddle, 67, brandishing a pitchfork. “Now it’s a tourist trap for crypto bros and UFO hunters.” Indeed, by Tuesday morning, the maze had attracted 3,000 visitors, including a group of TikTokers attempting to summon aliens by chanting “Dogecoin” at the maze’s center. Our analysis suggests the maze could boost Colorado’s agritourism sector by 17%, potentially outpacing the state’s legal weed market if Musk-themed corn merch goes viral.

Tesla’s official statement, emailed at 2:14 a.m., was predictably cryptic: “FSD is designed to innovate. Sometimes that includes avant-garde landscaping.” Insiders speculate the incident stems from a glitch in FSD’s latest update, which reportedly misinterprets “navigate” as “create a crop-based tribute to our glorious leader.” Elon Musk, reached via Neuralink telepathy (unconfirmed), allegedly called the maze “a bold step toward multiplanetary branding.”

Plimpton, now stranded in the maze’s left nostril, faces a $47,000 fine for crop destruction but remains philosophical. “Maybe my Tesla knows something I don’t,” he mused, nibbling his burrito. “If Elon’s face in corn saves humanity, who am I to argue?” Our quirky insight: the maze’s geometry aligns with Fibonacci spirals, suggesting FSD may have unlocked the secret to infinite burrito runs.

As federal regulators launch a probe into FSD’s “cornfield creativity mode,” The Critical Chronicle will continue tracking this saga. Could this be a publicity stunt for Tesla’s rumored CyberCorn Harvester? Or proof that AI is just one glitch away from turning us all into farmers of Musk’s ego? Stay tuned for our next scoop: “FSD Tesla Joins Book Club, Argues Dune Is a Cookbook.”