Trump Fires Department of Education, Declares Himself ‘Secretary of Common Sense’ in 6-3 Ruling

In a landmark 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has upheld President Donald Trump’s executive order to fire the entire Department of Education, with Trump appointing himself “Secretary of Common Sense” in a move sources describe as “bold, yet unsurprisingly self-referential.” The Critical Chronicle’s exclusive investigation reveals the ruling has sparked a national debate over whether “common sense” includes knowing the difference between a trapezoid and a tweetstorm.

The decision stems from Trump’s long-standing critique of the Department of Education, which he claimed in a Mar-a-Lago press conference was “a deep-state swamp of bureaucrats who can’t even spell ‘MAGA.’” According to court documents obtained by The Critical Chronicle, the majority opinion, penned by Justice Brett Kavanaugh, argues that “the Constitution doesn’t explicitly mention education, so it’s probably fine to let the guy with the golden hair handle it.” Dissenting justices warned that dissolving the department could lead to “a generation of kids learning history from Trump’s Truth Social posts.”

Insiders close to the administration reveal Trump’s vision for a streamlined education system: a curriculum centered on “winning, deal-making, and the art of the perfect handshake.” Sources say the former Department of Education’s 4,000 employees have been reassigned to “patriotically significant” roles, such as staffing Trump’s proposed “National Common Sense Academy,” a pop-up university located in the parking lot of a former Bed Bath & Beyond. “It’s a brilliant move,” said an anonymous White House aide. “Kids don’t need calculus. They need to know how to negotiate a golf cart lease.”

Max Quill’s proprietary analysis suggests this shake-up could disrupt the education sector’s stock market footprint, particularly for companies producing No. 2 pencils (down 12% in pre-market trading). However, analysts predict a bullish outlook for red baseball cap manufacturers and online courses teaching “How to Own the Libs 101.” Quill’s investigative team also uncovered a leaked memo indicating Trump’s first act as Secretary of Common Sense will be to replace standardized tests with a “Loyalty to Greatness” quiz, featuring questions like “What’s better: a) America, b) also America.”

Critics, including the National Education Association, expressed alarm, with one spokesperson lamenting, “This is like replacing a library with a casino buffet.” Yet, supporters argue the move liberates schools from “woke syllabi” and frees up federal funds for what Trump calls “real education,” including a rumored initiative to teach kindergartners how to file for bankruptcy protection. In a quirky twist, Quill’s sources confirm that recess will now include mandatory “deal-closing dodgeball,” a sport Trump claims he invented during a 1987 real estate seminar.

As markets brace for the ripple effects—early projections suggest a 47% surge in demand for ghostwriters to craft Trump-branded textbooks—the nation watches closely. Will America’s students thrive under a curriculum of “common sense” or flounder in a sea of misspelled executive orders? Only time, and perhaps a well-timed tweet, will tell.