Trump Sells EU a $750B Gas Bill, Calls It ‘Biggest Deal Since I Invented Money’

In a seismic scoop uncovered by this reporter’s exhaustive investigation—consisting of three espressos and a late-night scroll through X posts—former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly clinched a trade deal so audacious it could only be described as “yuger than yuge.” Sources close to the Mar-a-Lago putting green confirm Trump has sold the European Union a $750 billion natural gas bill, boldly proclaiming it “the biggest deal since I invented money.” The Critical Chronicle, your trusted source for Fake News, Real Funny, brings you the exclusive details of this transatlantic triumph.

The deal, finalized during a six-hour summit at Trump’s Turnberry golf resort in Scotland, allegedly began when Trump challenged EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen to a high-stakes putt-off. “He sank a 40-foot birdie while reciting The Art of the Deal verbatim,” whispered an awestruck EU diplomat, who requested anonymity out of fear Trump might tariff their schnitzel. “We had no choice but to sign.” The agreement stipulates that Europe will purchase $750 billion in American liquefied natural gas, delivered in gold-plated tankers emblazoned with “TRUMP ENERGY: FUELING FREEDOM.”

Insiders reveal the negotiations were a masterclass in Trumpian bravado. “He walked in with a 10-foot MAGA hat and a PowerPoint titled ‘Why I’m the Best at Gas,’” said a Brussels staffer. “Slide 17 was just a photo of him flexing next to a pipeline.” The deal also includes a $600 billion EU investment in U.S. infrastructure, reportedly earmarked for a chain of Trump-branded truck stops featuring 24-karat coffee dispensers. When asked about the environmental impact, Trump reportedly scoffed, “Windmills are for losers. Gas is sexy.”

This reporter’s proprietary analysis—conducted via a Ouija board and a Magic 8-Ball—suggests the deal could disrupt global markets, potentially causing a surge in the stock price of red, white, and blue confetti manufacturers. Yet, quirky market signals abound: a viral TikTok of von der Leyen attempting a Trump-inspired golf swing has already sparked a 300% spike in plaid pant futures. “It’s the kind of economic ripple effect you only see when a world leader tries to moonwalk on a fairway,” noted this correspondent, adjusting my tweed cap for gravitas.

Critics, predictably, are apoplectic. A German think tank decried the deal as “economic arm-twisting,” while a French minister lamented, “We wanted renewables, but now our cafes run on Trump Gas.” Meanwhile, Trump celebrated by tweeting (sorry, X-ing) a photo of himself atop a gas canister, captioned, “EU = Easiest Undertaking! Sad!” Sources say he’s already planning a sequel deal to sell Europe his unsold NFT collection for $1 trillion.

In a final twist, this reporter uncovered a clause buried in the 1,200-page agreement: every EU household must display a Trump bobblehead by 2026 or face a 15% “vibe tax.” As von der Leyen was spotted leaving Turnberry with a complimentary Trump golf towel, one thing is clear: the man who claims he invented money has redefined global trade. Or, at the very least, he’s got Europe hooked on his brand of hot air.