DC Chief Bombs Quiz, Believes ‘Miranda Rights’ Is Her Barista’s Name at Starbucks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation that has left law enforcement experts questioning the very fabric of justice, the Critical Chronicle has uncovered that DC Chief of Police Pamela Jenkins catastrophically failed a departmental pop quiz, mistaking the foundational “Miranda Rights” for the name of her favorite Starbucks barista. This exclusive investigation, pieced together through leaked precinct memos and a suspiciously jittery espresso machine, exposes a crisis of competence at the capital’s highest law enforcement echelons.

Sources close to the precinct, who spoke on condition of anonymity while hiding behind a bulletproof Dunkin’ Donuts cup, confirm that Chief Jenkins, during a routine training session, was asked to define “Miranda Rights.” With the confidence of a rookie citing a parking ticket, Jenkins reportedly declared, “Oh, Miranda Rights? She’s the lovely gal at Starbucks who always gets my triple-shot oat milk latte just right.” The room, according to witnesses, fell silent, save for the faint sound of a sergeant choking on his regulation mustache.

This isn’t the first time Jenkins has blurred the lines between coffee and constitutional law. Our investigation reveals she once ordered a perp to “decaf and desist” during a high-stakes traffic stop. “I thought it was motivational,” Jenkins allegedly told a baffled subordinate, who noted her squad car now smells suspiciously like a pumpkin spice crime scene. In a quirky twist, Jenkins has reportedly been seen slipping Miranda—the actual barista—handwritten notes requesting “the right to remain caffeinated” on her to-go cups.

The fallout has been swift and absurd. Training manuals across the DC Metro Police Department are being rewritten to include a chapter titled “Espresso Yourself, But Not Like That.” Meanwhile, local baristas have unionized under the slogan “We Brew, Not Subdue,” demanding protection from being mistaken for legal precedents. A veteran officer, speaking off the record while polishing his badge with decaf grounds, lamented, “If she thinks Miranda Rights pours lattes, what’s next? Calling a BOLO a breakfast burrito order?”

Jenkins’ gaffe comes at a precarious time, as the department grapples with a surge in jaywalking citations misfiled as “unlawful frothing.” Political analysts speculate this could embolden rogue baristas to demand diplomatic immunity, while tech startups are already pitching “MirandaBot,” an AI that reads suspects their rights and recommends a bold roast. In a peculiar aside, Jenkins’ desk was found littered with loyalty cards from Starbucks, each stamped with a smiley face and the phrase “You have the right to a free biscotti.”

As the Critical Chronicle pressed for comment, Jenkins doubled down, insisting, “Miranda’s got my back, unlike some of these so-called ‘rights’ that keep clogging up my arrests.” Her defense has only fueled calls for a citywide “Brewed Awakening” seminar, where officers will learn to distinguish legal protections from latte art. For now, DC’s finest are left wondering if their chief will ever grasp the difference between a constitutional cornerstone and a coffee counter cutie.