Newsom’s Hair Gel Budget Surpasses State GDP, And He’s Already Planning a Gel-Funded Moon Base

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a development that defies both gravity and fiscal sanity, California Governor Gavin Newsom has greenlit a $47 billion hair gel budget that eclipses the state’s GDP by a whopping $12 billion, with plans to channel the surplus into a lunar outpost powered entirely by pomade. Our team’s exhaustive dive into the state’s budget—conducted while dodging suspiciously slick hallways—reveals this as the boldest haircare gambit since Samson’s barber went rogue.

The “Lunar Shine Initiative,” as aides call it, allocates funds for a gel refinery orbiting 238,855 miles above Earth, where Newsom intends to establish a moon base staffed by “cosmetically elite astronauts.” A leaked blueprint shows a command center featuring a 50-foot mirror and a gel-powered rocket fueled by the governor’s signature “SlickTech Supreme” formula. “It’s about expanding California’s influence,” Newsom declared during a press conference, pausing to adjust his gravity-defying coif. “Plus, zero gravity is the ultimate hold test.”

Sources within the governor’s inner circle confirm the budget shift came after a late-night epiphany during a $2,000 haircut, where Newsom reportedly muttered, “My hair deserves the moon.” The plan includes a $10 billion gel silo on the lunar surface, designed to withstand meteor showers with a sheen so reflective it could blind passing UFOs. Quirky insight: Our analysis suggests the base’s oxygen supply will be replaced with aerosol propellants, ensuring every breath smells like a barbershop explosion.

Critics, including a disgruntled lunar scientist who requested anonymity, argue the funds could have addressed California’s wildfires or potholes. But Newsom’s team counters that the moon base will double as a tourist trap, with guided tours led by holographic versions of the governor’s hair. “Think of it as economic diversification,” an aide noted, clutching a gel-smeared clipboard. Early projections estimate $3 trillion in revenue from visitors eager to selfie with the “Shine Crater.”

In a bizarre twist, our team uncovered that SlickTech Industries, the gel supplier, has secured a 99-year lease on the moon’s south pole, raising eyebrows about Newsom’s roller derby alias, “G. NewSwoon.” When confronted, he chuckled, “Just a fun side hustle,” before unveiling a prototype gel spacesuit that doubles as a disco ball. The suit, tested on a dog named Fluffel, reportedly achieved liftoff after a single spritz.

As California teeters on a $2 trillion deficit, Newsom remains undeterred, announcing a “Gel for All” policy to ship moon-mined product to Earth. “It’s not about me,” he insisted, winking at his reflection. “It’s about giving every Californian a chance to shine like their governor.” The Critical Chronicle will monitor this cosmic hair saga, especially after spotting a suspiciously glossy UFO hovering over Sacramento last night.