Ballot Printer Ran Out of Ink After Zohran’s Name – Rivals Written in Invisible Lemon Juice

NEW YORK—An exclusive Critical Chronicle investigation can reveal that the New York City Board of Elections’ industrial ballot printer—an aging Xerox Alto dubbed “Old Blue”—exhausted its entire cyan cartridge at 2:14 a.m. Tuesday while rendering the 47-point bold Zohran Kwame Mamdani on Row A and the identical 47-point bold Zohran Kwame Mamdani on Row B.

Sources inside the printer’s toner bay, speaking on condition of anonymity because they are literally screws, say the machine emitted a single, mournful beep, flashed “INK LOW,” then auto-switched to a clandestine citrus protocol. Every candidate not named Zohran was subsequently printed in USDA-certified organic lemon juice.

Poll workers discovered the transparency issue at 6:03 a.m. when sunlight hit the ballots and nothing happened. “I held one up to my bodega coffee steam,” said Queens precinct captain Marisol Ortiz. “Still nothing. Then I tried a hair dryer. Then I tried prayer. Then I tried screaming. The lemon juice just smirked.”

Board spokesperson Reginald P. Inkwell III confirmed the citrus contingency in a prepared statement delivered via ouija board. “When toner fails,” he spelled out, “we default to the Founding Fathers’ backup: invisible citrus. It worked for John Hancock’s laundry receipts in 1776.”

Voters attempting to select Andrew Cuomo, last seen wandering the ballot like a ghost in a discontinued cologne, were instructed to rub ballots with a government-issued lemon wedge while reciting the 2019 rent-stabilization amendments in Pig Latin. Curtis Sliwa’s name, sources say, requires a second wedge, a cat treat, and the ability to meow in 7/8 time.

Election-law scholars are divided. NYU’s Dr. Felicity Paperclip told this reporter, “The lemon-juice clause is technically constitutional, but only if voters also perform the Macarena. Anything less is tyranny.”

By 10:00 a.m., Zohran’s two ballot lines—now glowing like Times Square billboards—had auto-filled themselves for 38% of voters who simply breathed near the machine. One Staten Island man, Vincent “Vinny” Ferret, claims he voted for “anybody else” by setting his ballot on fire and interpretive-dancing the ashes into the shape of a question mark. The scanner registered it as another Zohran.

At press time, Old Blue has begun printing tomorrow’s weather in balsamic reduction. Early forecasts call for “100% chance of socialist drizzle.”

The Board of Elections has scheduled an emergency lemon-squeezing town hall for Thursday at 3 a.m. Attendees must bring their own citrus and a dream. Max Quill is still waiting for his press credentials to appear. He’s holding a ballot up to a Panera baguette warmer as we speak.