Candace Owens Attempts to Exorcise Her Own Shadow, Cites “Suspicious Behavior”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what multiple high-level sources are describing as “the most 2025 story of 2025,” conservative commentator and noted moon-theology skeptic Candace Owens was reportedly caught Tuesday evening in her Virginia driveway attempting to perform a full Latin exorcism on her own shadow.

Eyewitnesses — three Uber Eats drivers and one extremely confused golden retriever — say Owens emerged from her home at approximately 9:47 p.m. wearing a tactical turtleneck, night-vision goggles flipped upward like discount aviators, and what appeared to be a Bed Bath & Beyond bathrobe fashioned into a makeshift clerical stole. She was clutching a limited-edition PragerU-branded squirt bottle filled with what she later described to this reporter as “Florida water, holy water, and a dash of Liquid I.V. because hydration is still important during spiritual warfare.”

According to leaked Ring-camera footage obtained exclusively by The Critical Chronicle (after I traded a guy in a Guy Fawkes mask two IPAs and a Panera gift card), Owens can be heard shouting in what scholars have confirmed is Latin spoken with a noticeable Atlanta inflection: “Exorcizamus te, umbra suspecta! By the power vested in me by the 1776 Commission and this here essential-oils diffuser shaped like the Constitution, I cast thee out!”

The shadow, sources say, did not comply.

Neighbors report the incident began shortly after Owens discovered a cryptic direct message on an undisclosed platform that read only: “Your shadow has been acting weird lately.” The message was sent from an account with the handle @RealHuman1776 and a profile picture of a bald eagle wearing Oakley blades. Owens immediately interpreted this as proof of a deep-state infiltration at the quantum level.“

She kept yelling that the shadow was ‘moving slightly out of sync with solar noon,’” said next-door neighbor Cheryl K., who asked that her last name be withheld because she’s trying to sell her house. “Honestly, I thought it was another TikTok trend until she started throwing handfuls of Himalayan pink salt at the asphalt like she was seasoning I-95.”Reached for comment on the front porch of a Chick-fil-A (her team insisted on a “neutral, values-aligned location”), Owens remained defiant. “Look, Max — can I call you Max? — shadows have been above the law for too long. Mine started lingering two, maybe three millimeters longer than physically explicable after the 2024 election. That’s not normal. That’s Klaus Schwab in the fourth dimension.”

When pressed on whether she had considered simpler explanations — cloud cover, new driveway lighting, basic trigonometry — Owens narrowed her eyes and whispered, “That’s exactly what a compromised silhouette would say.”

Inside sources within Owens’ inner circle, speaking on condition of anonymity because they still want Christmas cards, reveal that this is merely the latest escalation in what aides are calling “Phase Three of the Grievance Spiral.” Phase One reportedly involved rage-tweeting at her own reflection for “liberal eyebrows.” Phase Two peaked when she accused her Roomba of being a CIA listening device and replaced it with a shop-vac duct-taped to a King James Bible.

As of press time, Owens has launched a GoFundMe titled “Operation Sunlight Freedom” seeking $87,000 for a industrial-grade spotlight array, a private astronomer, and “one of those big church bells from the movies — you know, for morale.” The campaign has already raised $400,000, mostly from donors who think it’s performance art but hope it isn’t.

This reporter attempted to confront the shadow directly for comment. It declined to speak on the record but did give me what felt like a condescending side-eye when I stepped on it.

More as this develops. Or doesn’t. Hard to tell with shadows these days.