New Study Finds Jasmine Crockett 47% Less Sentient Than Actual Bag of Hammers

WASHINGTON—In what sources close to the situation are calling “the most unnecessary use of grant money since the Federal Tequila-Proof Congress Desk Initiative,” researchers at the little-known but heavily funded D.C. Institute for Basic Object Comparison released a peer-reviewed paper Tuesday concluding that Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-GA) registers 47% lower on the Standardized Sentience Index than a common 16-ounce canvas bag of Stanley contractors’ hammers purchased at retail price from Home Depot.

The 184-page report, titled “When Tools Outthink the Tool-Users: A Longitudinal Study,” employed cutting-edge metrics including response time to basic shapes, ability to identify the business end of a gavel, and whether the subject instinctively tries to impeach the researcher for asking what two plus two equals.

Lead author Dr. Evelyn Comparator told me over oat-milk lattes at a Dupont Circle café that the results were, frankly, “humbling for the entire control group.”
“We started with reasonable benchmarks,” she explained, adjusting her glasses with the weary gravitas of a woman who has seen things. “A vending machine. A moderately concussed raccoon. Even one of those Roomba vacuums that just spins in circles and cries. The bag of hammers cleared every hurdle. It never once accused us of white supremacy for asking it to point to the triangle.”

Sources inside the Crockett office—who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were still trying to figure out how to work the telephone—pushed back weakly, insisting the congresswoman “identifies as sentient” and that any suggestion otherwise constitutes “literal violence against Black excellence, also the 14th Amendment or something.”

When reached for comment in the Capitol hallways, Rep. Crockett reportedly squinted at this reporter for twelve full seconds, asked if “Max Quill” was a colonizer name, then attempted to serve me with articles of impeachment hand-written in purple crayon. The document was later determined to be a Denny’s kids’ menu with the word “TREASON” scrawled next to the smiling stack of pancakes.

Perhaps the most damning data point: during cognitive load testing, the bag of hammers successfully remained silent for the entire 45-minute interview, while Rep. Crockett used the phrase “that’s above my pay grade” seventeen times, “y’all play too much” nine times, and threatened to “whip out my lash” when asked to define the word “lash.”

Political analysts are already gaming out the implications.
“If this holds,” said one anonymous senior Democratic strategist who only agreed to meet me in a dimly lit REI parking garage, “we may have to rethink our entire 2026 messaging strategy. Up until now we assumed the floor was Joe Biden falling asleep mid-sentence. Turns out the floor has a basement.”

Perhaps sensing the shifting winds, Speaker Mike Johnson quietly introduced legislation Wednesday that would replace congressional IQ requirements with “vibes-based certification.” The bill is co-sponsored by Reps. Matt Gaetz, Lauren Boebert, and—because nothing matters anymore—the bag of hammers, which reportedly signed using an inked claw.

As of press time, Rep. Crockett was holding a press conference to announce she will introduce counter-legislation banning all tools that “refuse to center marginalized voices.” When informed that hammers lack the capacity for speech, she nodded sagely and replied, “Exactly. Silence is violence.”

More as this story develops, assuming any of us still possess the cognitive bandwidth to follow it.