New Virginia AG Jones Therapy Session Leaked: “I said KIDS, not KITTENS—big difference!”

RICHMOND—In what scholars are already terming the “Meow-pocalypse Tapes,” a 47-minute audio file surfaced Tuesday from the office of Dr. Marla Feldman, Ph.D., LCSW, and certified anger-management facilitator to Virginia’s newly minted Attorney General, Jay Jones (D). The recording, authenticated by three separate forensic linguists and one very confused tabby, captures Mr. Jones defending his August 2022 text messages with the measured calm of a man explaining why he parallel-parked in a volcano.“

Context is everything,” Jones is heard insisting at minute 14. “I said KIDS, not KITTENS. Big difference. Kittens can’t even spell ‘conservative.’”

Dr. Feldman, whose prior clients include a sitting U.S. Senator and the entire 2019 Cleveland Browns offensive line, attempts a clarification:
“Mr. Attorney General, the phrase ‘I want his conservative kids to die in their mother’s arms’ does not, in DSM-5 parlance, require feline involvement.”
Jones replies, “Exactly. Felines would have needed a separate memo.”

The leak—delivered to this reporter via unmarked Thumb Drive #4 inside a hollowed-out Ann Arbor artisanal bagel—has ignited what political scientists are calling the “Great Literalist Schism of 2025.” At stake: whether wishing death on specific minors constitutes protected political speech, or merely a scheduling conflict with bedtime.

Historical parallels abound. “One thinks of Nixon’s ‘I am not a crook’ versus Jones’s ‘I am not a cat,’” notes University of Michigan poly-sci professor Dr. Lionel P. Thistlethwaite, who has published 11 peer-reviewed papers on executive-branch pet gaffes. “Both men pivoted to zoology under duress. Only one brought receipts.”

Sources inside the Executive Mansion confirm that Mr. Jones has since installed a “Kitten-to-Kid Spell-Check” browser extension on all state devices, funded by a line-item mysteriously labeled “Toddler Threat Mitigation—FY26.” The plug-in reportedly auto-replaces “die” with “thrive,” though beta testers note it still allows “expire dramatically while clutching Mom.”

Governor Abigail Spanberger, when asked for comment, issued a 400-word statement whose only decipherable clause was “I, too, prefer kittens.” Lieutenant Governor Ghazala Hashmi simply texted this reporter a single eggplant emoji followed by the Virginia Code citation for felony menacing.

Yet the tapes reveal a deeper policy agenda. At minute 29, Jones sketches what he calls “Operation Cuddle-or-Cull,” a sliding-scale threat matrix based on a child’s 4-H ribbon count. “Blue ribbon in livestock? Safe. Blue ribbon in AR-15 disassembly? Different story,” he muses, before Dr. Feldman reminds him the session is being recorded “for quality and/or prosecutorial purposes.”

Market reaction was swift. Richmond’s Little Tikes Co-Op stock dipped 14 % on fears of branded “Mommy’s Arms” playards being reclassified as hazardous material. Meanwhile, Spirit Halloween pre-orders for “Lil’ Conservative Target” costumes crashed the company’s servers somewhere between “sexy nurse” and “sexy Founding Father.”

In a late-night press gaggle outside his transitional office, Mr. Jones offered what aides billed as his “final-final” apology:
“I regret any confusion caused by my failure to include the family schnauzer in the original threat. Equal-opportunity menacing is a core Virginia value.”

He then unveiled Executive Order 001: “All future death wishes shall be peer-reviewed by no fewer than three golden retrievers and one tenured literature professor trained in subtext.”

As of press time, the Gilbert children remain un-vaporized, reportedly enrolled in an undisclosed Montessori program whose curriculum now includes “Active Shooter Drills and Advanced Irony Detection.” Their goldfish, Mr. Sprinkles, has retained counsel.

Further leaks are expected. This reporter has already received Thumb Drive #5—inside a gluten-free bagel—containing what sources describe only as “the purr-fect storm.” Stay tuned.