Snake Expert: “Sam Altman’s Not Gaslighting – He’s Actually Cold-Blooded”

MENLO PARK, Calif. – A four-month Critical Chronicle probe, involving three burner phones, one borrowed GoPro, and a Costco rotisserie chicken used as bait, has confirmed what Silicon Valley has whispered for years: OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is, clinically speaking, a reptile.

The breakthrough came Tuesday when Dr. Carla “Cold-Blooded Carla” Mendoza, the Bay Area’s only board-certified herpetologist who moonlights as a Y Combinator mentor, measured Altman’s core temperature on Sand Hill Road. Using a $19.99 meat thermometer from Safeway, she recorded 68.2 °F—identical to a resting ball python and nine degrees cooler than the average venture capitalist’s latte.

“He’s not gaslighting you,” Dr. Mendoza told me, wiping chicken grease from the probe. “Gaslighting requires a pulse. Sam’s heart rate is zero. Zero, Max. I’ve seen more cardiac activity in a Roomba.”

Eyewitnesses describe Altman stretched across the double-yellow line at 11:47 a.m., hoodie unzipped to reveal diamondback patterning that shimmered like a Series G term sheet. His tongue—forked, fluorescent pink, and suspiciously QR-coded—flicked in opposite directions, simultaneously tasting a Sequoia partner’s fear and a16z’s desperation.

Traffic cams captured the tongue scanning a passing Rivian, then Venmo-requesting the driver $3.50 “for the show.” The driver paid. Of course he paid.Sources inside OpenAI’s Mission Street headquarters, speaking on condition of anonymity because their souls are collateral, say Altman no longer attends board meetings. Instead, a heat lamp and a bowl labeled “Founders” appear on the conference table. Minutes are taken in shed skin.

One former executive, now hiding in a Reno Applebee’s, produced a Post-it note allegedly stuck to Altman’s monitor: “Reminder: molt before earnings call. Leave old skin on chair—keeps engineers warm.”

When reached for comment, Altman’s publicist issued a statement in Comic Sans: “Sam is simply optimizing for thermal efficiency. Also, winter is coming—please pre-order Snake+ for $49.99/month.”Dr. Mendoza warns the public not to approach. “If you see a six-foot hoodie basking on asphalt, do not offer cap table. Back away slowly. Whatever you do, do not sign anything in blood. He prefers ink, but he’ll take hemoglobin in a pinch.”

Late-stage investors remain unfazed. “Cold-blooded?” laughed one partner, adjusting his Patagonia vest. “That’s a feature, not a bug. Warm founders overpromise. Sam under-promises and still over-delivers—mostly venom.”

As of press time, Altman was spotted slithering toward San Francisco City Hall, reportedly to register a new entity: “S Corp.”

The Critical Chronicle will continue monitoring the situation with a UV flashlight, a can of Reptile-B-Gone, and a lifetime supply of rotisserie chickens.