Democrats React to Census Illegal Removal: ‘Hey, We Paid Good Money for Those!’

In a bombshell development that has Washington’s political class clutching their artisanal coffee cups, the U.S. Census Bureau’s decision to exclude illegal immigrants from its 2030 headcount has sparked outrage among Democratic leadership, who claim they’re entitled to a return on their alleged investment. The Critical Chronicle’s exclusive investigation reveals a bizarre motive behind the fury: Democrats insist they bankrolled these border crossings for an elite squad of kombucha brewers, not mere population stats.

Sources close to the DNC, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to their ongoing commitment to a vegan hot yoga retreat, allege that party operatives have been funneling undisclosed sums into what they call “Operation Fermented Futures.” This clandestine initiative, according to a leaked memo obtained by this reporter, aimed to secure a crack team of undocumented kombucha artisans to dominate the nation’s hipster beverage market. “We didn’t smuggle them across the border for votes,” huffed one senior aide, adjusting their hemp-woven fanny pack. “We paid top dollar for their probiotic prowess. The Census is robbing us of our fizz!”

The absurdity deepens with reports that Democrats expected these immigrants to serve as judges for an underground “Avocado Toast-Off” planned for the 2026 midterms. “We’re talking perfectly ripe Hass avocados, mashed with a whisper of artisanal sea salt,” whispered a party strategist, visibly trembling. “You think we’d fund an entire border operation for something as pedestrian as electoral math? No, this was about culinary clout.”

Max Quill, your intrepid scribe, uncovered further evidence of this entitlement at a secret DNC meeting in a Portland microbrewery. There, party insiders reportedly lamented the loss of their “investment” in a cadre of illegal immigrants trained to curate Spotify playlists for maximum indie cred. “We didn’t wire cash to coyotes for census numbers,” one operative slurred over a $17 IPA. “We needed those playlists to keep our base vibing through 2032!” My investigation also stumbled upon a peculiar detail: several Democrats were spotted wearing T-shirts reading “I Paid for This Border Run and All I Got Was This Lousy Headcount Snub.”

Critics, however, are skeptical of the Democrats’ outrage. A GOP spokesperson, sipping a suspiciously kale-infused smoothie, scoffed, “They’re acting like they bought front-row seats to a Phish concert and got stuck with a nosebleed section. If they wanted kombucha gurus, they should’ve hired locally.” Meanwhile, Census officials remain unmoved, with one bureaucrat dryly noting, “We count people, not probiotic dreams.”

This reporter’s tireless digging—fueled by three espressos and a questionable food truck taco—reveals a deeper truth: the Democrats’ tantrum exposes a party obsessed with cultural cachet over practical governance. As one disillusioned intern put it, “I thought we were fighting for democracy, but apparently it’s about securing the best artisanal soap makers.” With the Census standing firm, Democrats are left to ponder their next move—perhaps a GoFundMe to recoup their “investment” or a pivot to recruiting illegal immigrants for their underground breakdance league. Stay tuned, as this saga is fermenting faster than a hipster’s backyard scoby.